Dog gone

I wish I wasn't an atheist. I wish I could believe in the "rainbow bridge" where you are reunited with all your pets and they are all in the prime of their life, waiting to join you in everlasting fun and frolic. People who have never know the friendship of a loving pet will have a hole in their life. There is grief when they die, but the joyous memories last a lifetime. I remember every animal friend I have had beginning with "Yinky", a German shepherd in the early 1940's up until today when my friend Deuce has recently died. He was an English Bulldog and sadly prone to the many health problems of the breed. As he waits at the "Bridge" I will perhaps be able to enrich the life of another lost soul from a "shelter." It's the least I can do for all the pleasure their kind has brought me.
Be kind to our four-footed friends.
RevS

Canadian Guiness

Saints alive! The leader of the free world can taste the difference in real Guiness made in Ireland and that putrid substitute which we must suffer that is "a product of Canada."
"The president said the brew somehow tasted better in Ireland than in America."
Hail to the chief!
Loather of all fake "imported" brews from Canada.
Rev (real beer) Snodgrass

XXXON

Puleese! Is there a rational human being who believes that XXXON's record profit had nothing to do with the price we have been ripped off for at the pump? If so, please contact me, I am selling 50 lb bags of sand for $2 in the middle of the Sahara desert and gallons of bottled seawater for $2 in the middle of the Atlantic ocean (plus shipping and handling). Cash only please.
God Bless America.
The world as I know it has degenerated into a series of surreal absurdities which defy logic and therefore can only be attributed to the master plan of the intelligent designer. I hope she's happy.
Just imagine where humanity might be if it were not for religion. Your religion and "their" religions. Just pick five other religions you wish didn't exist. No problem, right. Well guess what - yours would be on their list.
But, I digress.
Pax Vobiscum
Reverend Snodgrass

"Free" - my ass!

At last some idiotic scheme on the boob tube has aroused my sense of incredulity to speak out. "Use my system to cure your insubordinate brats and if it doesn't work - it's FREE!"
Here's how it works - you buy the $300 plan @ $100 a month (plus $15 shipping and handling [non-refundable] each month) If the plan fails to satisfy you (probably) you can apply for a FULL $300 refund (who knows when it will arrive). So, at the end, you have 3 worthless 50 cent DVDs and they have $45 shipping cost plus whatever interest they have earned on your $300. There's a phrase made famous by P. T. Barnum but it eludes me.
I love marketing.
Rev S

Schev-row-lay

All together now, General Motors employees - "schev-row-lay." That's it! Not Chevy! This will enhance the image by making the car seem...perhaps more European or French or fancy. We have the Cadillac - sounds French and sexy. Hmmmm, now that we've dumped the "Olds(mobile)", maybe we should re-spell our other product "Buicque" - that's the ticket!
Methinks the attempt to convert Chevy owners to Chevrolet owners will succeed as would trying to teach those who use vile language to say "maternal fornicator" in stead of "Muhfuka."
I'm grabbin' me a piece of pie and drivin' my Chevy to the levee, and I hope it ain't dry.
RevS

Mops in Love

It's hard to decide which TV ads are the most obnoxious and insulting to one's intelligence.
One nomination is for the hundred-times-a-day ad for a new style of floor mop. In it, you are told to put away your old mop - BUT, not to worry, it will find a new friend. In this fantasy world, your old mop falls in love with, among many versions, a rake, a bowling ball, and, my personal favorite, a pink flamingo lawn ornament. Who are the target audience for these ads? Do children under five years old select cleaning supplies? Do the asylums send inmates to Walmart to buy mops? If worrying about the love life of your worn out mop is of concern to you, you've got BIG problems.
Pax Vobiscum
RS

Take a number, please.

After I retired from Ma Bell in 1988, I moved from Maryland to Houston and somehow got tricked into my third Marriage. Although I provided my new wife with all the luxuries required for happy living, including a brand new home, she somehow felt it wasn't right for the man of the house to pursue such silly things as playing cards and shooting dice - but should find a more lucrative pastime, such as (in her words) a "real" job. After several failed attempts to please her, the blessed union was dissolved.
Only until recently, here in Greenville, North Carolina, did I spot the perfect job. On a well traveled road is a sign advertising "SPEEDOMETER REPAIR." "Wow" I thought, how long could I be in business before I got my first customer? Since I personally have never needed speedometer repair, nor do I know of anyone, or have ever HEARD of anyone needing speedometer repair, this could have been my perfect full-time job, open 24/7 (as they say). Of course, as the bustling business burgeoned, I would have to buy one of those "Take a number, please" dispensers.
Pax Vobiscum
HDT

Who Hates Haiti?

As we all know, the Intelligent Designer, who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent takes complete responsibility for creating a relatively small island that she would populate with dark skin people and then bide her time until - WHAM! - lets murder several hundred thousand of those suckers with a giant EARTHQUAKE! Ha Ha! Then watch some nitwit blame it on someone else - maybe the DEVIL- who I invented anyway to deflect responsibility for many of my heinous acts of untold violence and suffering. How's that swine flu working out for you people? Not one of my better works - but scared the hell out of a bunch of you, death rate disappointing. Just wait til you see what I come up with next! There won't be a dry eye on the speck of dust you call "earth."
PEACE! (hahahahahhahahaha)