Discovery

Here kitty kitty

The Intelligent Designer works in mysterious ways. Every once in a while she (should the “S” be capitalized?) throws humankind a bone. Back about a century ago a Scottish biologist discovered that bacteria were affected by a common mold that grows on bread and – viola! – penicillin was on the way to cure a variety of nasty diseases. The “grim reaper” was not pleased but was reassured by the ID that new diseases immune to penicillin were on the drawing board. (AIDS, for one)
Many scientific advances appear to be serendipitous. The other day a good friend of mine pondered “If we can put a man on the moon…why can’t we stop a hurricane?” All in due time, says I. Someday, when the ID is in a good mood, a teenager in Oshkosh will notice that when he’s throwing out the kitty litter one windy day, the wind stops! The scientific community is alerted and tests begin. The first real trial will be with tons of cat poop dropped onto a tornado in Kansas. The rest, as they say, will be history. Citizens will be asked to bag up their feline feces for pickup at the curb every other week. Storage facilities will be established in Florida, to be used as needed during the hurricane season. Floridians are assured that the overwhelming stench is a small price to pay for hurricane insurance.
Laugh if you will, but there is nothing that the ID could come up with that should surprise you. Hell.

Sophomore

Grade Ten

Having survived the rigors of accelerated (3 years in 2) learning at Robt. E. Lee, regular classes in the ninth grade were b o r i n g. I blame this for my loss of interest in academia. “Homework”, which I considered to be some form of punishment, was given short shrift – if done at all. Usually whatever the homework was would be discussed in class and I was able to cull enough from that to pass the tests. No, I was not an “A” student, but MY plan was only to survive, not excel. So, with a minimum of effort I was promoted into the tenth grade.
Now, we sophomores had a whole new class of freshmen to look down upon and sneer at. Readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmatic poured into my little brain. “Mad” magazine made its debut to the delight of us juveniles. One of my classmates convinced a few of us that collecting “cigar bands” was a worthy project. You merely wrote to the manufacturers and they would send you samples. Then we traded with each other for the ones we didn’t have. Sneaking water pistols into class was standard practice. Mere water for ammunition was for sissies. The inventive gangsters loaded up with perfume, or better yet, some stinky substance to douse the targets. Somehow, I believe this activity introduced me to something called “detention”, a mandatory “stay after school” for committing unseemly acts.
I became a regular at the Saturday night Teen center dance, where the band was made up of high school students and we rocked, rolled, bunny-hopped, and hokey-pokeyed the night away. On the rare occasion that I actually had a date, dear Mom would chauffeur us. My date and I would ride in the back seat and giggle.
During the summer vacation we played baseball on a vacant lot whenever we could get 6 or more players. The so-called baseball field was more like an obstacle course with hills and gullies, strewn with various size rocks to deflect the ball and trip up the fielders.

UnfAirline

Continental UnfAirlines
Larry Kellner: CEO & COB
Jeffery Smisek: Pres.
Jim Compton: EVP Marketing

Dear Sirs:

I have written to you before concerning the lack of seats available (to any place a normal person would want to go) for the minimum miles (25,000) on your (N)One-pass system. That problem remains unabated.
Now, I come across a new, more ridiculous restriction in trying to use the None-pass system. Earlier this year, I had more than 50,000 miles in my account and was able to use them for 2 round trip tickets, one for myself and one for person “A.”
Today, I have 10,000 miles on account and person “A” has 40,000 miles in their account (10K + 40K = 50K). I am told that “we” cannot spend our 50,000 miles for 2 tickets because they are in separate accounts. How insane is that?
But wait! There is an answer! We can “transfer” miles from one account to another for a mere $15 per 1000 transferred. So, for $150, some clerk takes 30 seconds and inputs a change and now we can try to find some place that we can go to that is available for the minimum miles. This is pitiful and beyond reason.
One flight that I investigated had one seat occupied, yet none of the other 30+ were available to me for the 12,500 one way fare. I understand the computer system says that more than likely by the date of the flight “most” of the seats will go to customers paying hard cash. But, if I can hold out long enough, I may get a vacant seat 1 week or so before flight date. My plea to you is that whatever you must do to change your system, make it so that if a seat is “available” it should go to the first person who wants it. Otherwise None-pass remains a joke.
I presently use Southwest whenever they go to the same place as Continental due to your unchanged position on None-pass rules. They do not go to Knoxville TN, but I am considering using them to go to Nashville and renting a car to get to Knoxville since I cannot use my None-pass miles to my benefit.
I now make my credit card purchases with “Discover” rather than “Continental Visa” since I accumulate something that I can actually use (cash) without a hassle.

Sincerely,

Reverend Snodgrass

The Little Corporal

Helpless

“Volunteer: Noun. A person who performs or offers to perform a service voluntarily.”
“Never volunteer.” Friendly advice from Drill Sergeant, Military Police School, San Antonio, Texas, 1957
Over the years I have on occasion ignored this sage advice. Perhaps out of the milk of human kindness, I have given time, money, and blood. No organs yet.
I have been attending a weekly bridge club for years where “volunteers” have put up and taken down some 45 or so bridge tables. Evidently, some of the Vols have died off and there was a call for help to the attendees. Most are 60 years old plus and not all are physically able to assist even if they wanted to. (Anyone wishing to investigate my medical history will be able to find which category I am in.)
Not enough new Vols came forward so someone came up with the idea of creating a calendar with dates on it that Vols would commit to, discreetly placing them on the tables hoping Vols would sign up. Apparently this was not working, so someone had to step up. Our hero, who I shall call “Napoleon” (after the complex he evidences), not being acquainted with the concept of “friendly persuasion”, embarks upon a heavy handed effort to convert the lazy bunch by the strong arm tactics of harassment, embarrassment, belittlement, sarcasm, and finally, the ever popular “name-calling.” Unfortunately for me, one of the symptoms of Napoleon’s disease is that they delight in picking on those who are obviously their superior.
Perhaps I should be flattered, but I would rather have the little man just go away and mind his own business. A good project would be to seek sea-sick sea serpents.

Frosh

Milford

Nineteen hundred and fifty two – new house in the ‘burbs and I begin my adventures in the recently constructed Milford Mill High school ( I never knew if there was really a “mill” anywhere around). Grade nine – I am a pimply faced freshman with raging hormones. Clearasil (can they sue me for saying this?) was a joke. At best it made the disgusting red zits an unsightly brown. I was jealous of the few lucky kids that somehow escaped the horror of deadly acne. Once again, poor mom to the rescue. The latest cure from the dermatologists was “X-ray treatments” which subsequently has been determined to be a leading cause of skin cancer. I, of course, was willing to try anything. It, too, was a joke and did no more than help pay for the Doctor’s kids’ college tuition. I was left with a permanently discolored face. Look closely. By the time I figured I should sue the bastards they were all dead and gone. I have the greatest sympathy for all the adolescents past, present, and future that live thru puberty’s epidermal nightmare. (With a tip o’ the cap to the Intelligent Designer – was this agony really necessary?)
My first week in classes was punctuated by my displeasing my English teacher, Mr. Varney, thereby earning a rude introduction to “uplifting” poetry. My punishment was to repeatedly write the entire poem “Invictus” by William Earnest Henley. That’s the one that ends “I am the master of my fate: I am the Captain of my soul.”
Being relatively tall for my age had the advantage of appearing desirable to the sport coaches. I was assigned the position of first base in baseball. I was a big target, but catching and throwing the ball left a lot to be desired. Likewise, as the “center” in basketball, I could often get in the way of opponents shots, but my own attempts to get the ball in that tiny hole were mostly fruitless.
Coinciding with the appearance of a face full of zits was the sudden desire to appear attractive to the opposite sex. Where had all those babes been all my life?

Turn Off the TV

Power of the Press

Centuries ago Johann Gutenberg devised a printing method which allowed for the mass production of written material. Humans became increasingly literate and expanded their knowledge and understanding of their world. A few centuries later, the 1st Baron Lytton would opine “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I believe.
There is nothing like the printed word to inspire or infuriate one. While scenes in movies or television may be replayed, there is nothing like having that well turned phrase in front of you, in your hand, to re-read, inhale and ingest. An article, an essay, a book – these are the inspirations for life. If you have been amused by my previous scribblings, here is my recommended bibliography:
(Almost anything by the authors is worth reading, I’ve listed my favorite)

Mark Twain “Letters from the Earth”
Henry Louis Mencken “Chrestomathy”
Henry David Thoreau “Civil Disobedience”
Robert Ingersoll “Assorted Speeches”
Francois Rabelais “Gargantua and Pantagruel”
James Jones “From Here to Eternity”
John Updike “Rabbit”
Sinclair Lewis “Elmer Gantry”
Truman Capote “In Cold Blood”
Harper Lee “To Kill a Mockingbird”
Joseph Heller “Catch 22”
John Irving “The World According to Garp”
Kurt Vonnegut “Slaughterhouse Five”
George Orwell “1984”
J. D. Salinger "Catcher in the Rye"
Aldous Huxley “Brave New World”
Khalil Gibran “The Prophet”
Upton Sinclair "The Jungle”
John Steinbeck “The Grapes of Wrath”
God “Holy Bible” (St. James version)
George Carlin “Brain Droppings”
Larry McMurtry “Lonesome Dove”
John Bartlett “Familiar Quotations”

WARNING: An overdose of the ideas expressed by the authors will have you skipping down the road to perdition, holding hands with Beelzebub.