Beating a Dead Horse

I challenge all of the major oil companies to replace their CEOs for one year with a stuffed pig and turn the compensation saved back to the employees, stockholders and customers. Better yet, also replace the boreds of defectives with piglets and do the same with their outrageous lootings. Do you really think the production of oil and gas would come to a screeching halt if these robbers were gagged for a year and could not fill the air with their wisdom? Workers have known for over a century how to turn crude oil into every product possible. Refine it, sell it. How hard can it be? Does each company really need a bevy of bullshitters with fancy titles skimming millions off the top of what we, the consumers, are digging deeper and deeper into our meager funds to provide? Although my whip is weak and the horse has been long dead, I carry on.

ACLU

One of the congregation recently asked me my opinion on the ACLU’s negative stance on the government’s right to profile Muslims. She thought I should share my answer with you.

I am a card carrying member of the ACLU but I do not believe that any group or religion that preaches “death to the infidels” is deserving of anything more than a swift sendoff to be with their gods in their hoped for hereafter. Religions are the cause of the majority of man's inhumanity to man throughout history. As an agnostic it is my hope that someday, in the distant future, humans will become smart enough to realize that the only true religion is to help each other to live as well as we can.

Pax Vobiscum

Don't Bank on it

Unhappily, I admit I was taken in by a marketing ploy. The ruse was not a lie, but a cleverly worded deal that sounded too good to be true. And as we know, it was too good to be true. I am amused by a good marketing ruse, such as “imported” Japanese and Australian beers made in Canada and taste test battles between “Popeye’s” and “Churches” chicken – both owned by ABC (America’s Best Chicken).

I was investigating “Free Checking” at various banks and one of the advantages of Washington Mutual was a cash-back refund of purchases with their “Debit” card of 3 cents per purchase, not to exceed $250 in one year. It was that $250 a year that steered me from reading more closely what was being offered. I have a “Discover” credit card that gives a one percent cash back reward and I usually get $100 or so back a year. Wow! I thought – I can get back more than that with the new debit card. Then I re-read what I thought was 3% back and it was really 3 cents per purchase, no matter how large. Putting pencil to paper, I figured that to reach the $250 maximum one would have to make over 20 purchases per day 365 days a year. A more nearly normal rate MIGHT be 1 purchase per day 7 days a week which would net you at the end of the year a whopping $10.95. It is better than zero, but I think stating the $250 maximum is marketing at it’s worst.

R.I.P.

Yes, Kenny Lay, you’ve apparently made the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to have your heirs, thru legal shenanigans, hold on to the ill-gotten booty you swindled from your loyal employees and stockholders. Having been tried by twelve good men and true, our faulted legal system may allow your heirs a financial bonanza at the expense of the innocents whose lives you have destroyed. Our only pleasure in this fiasco is the thought of Beelzebub poking your rump with his trident as you tiptoe thru the flames.

Chicken or Egg

Marketing is an amazing business. As any intelligent person knows, you NEVER know what “company” is really owned by what other “Company” or conglomerate. It seems that all snack food companies are owned by Coca-Cola or Pepsi. You can look it up.
My curiosity was aroused recently when I heard a commercial supposedly asking the question “Who has the best spicy chicken?” The suspect hesitatingly answers “Popeyes?” “No! says the questioner – it’s Churches!” followed by jingles and slogans. How, I wondered, could they make such a statement without being sued? Oh it’s so, so, simple. They are BOTH owned by ABC (America’s Best Chicken)! What a brilliant marketing strategy! Trying to get the public to become interested in trying both brands for themselves to satisfy their own opinions! A person who has only tried one brand will perhaps try the other just to satisfy their curiosity.
Bravo, ABC, bravo.
By the way, the Reverend testifies that the correct answer IS Popeyes.

Tainting Memories

A half century ago Howard Johnson was a Captain of industry, having catered to the traveling hordes with delightful (at least to the road weary) roadside restaurants. Somewhere along the line the company moved into the hotel/motel business. I can’t remember ever staying in one with his name attached until this past weekend in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Poor Howard must not only be turning over in his grave, but spinning like a whirling dervish at what has become of his legacy. Granted, this was a Howard Johnson “Express” – which I now know means you’re in a hurry to get out of there. They had a sign excusing themselves for the exterior, scaffolding and debris piled in the parking lot, due to last years hurricanes. But it doesn’t stop on the outside. The first thing that strikes you is there are two large TVs, one of which has a remote control for operation. The desk and shelving area has a gaping hole where a three inch by two foot drawer once was. The bathroom door will not close because somehow it is too wide for the opening. The “stopper” for the sink, which usually operates with a plunger and lever is laying on top of the sink. Half a roll of toilet paper is sitting on top of the toilet, none on the roller attached to the wall. The shower curtain has three missing hangers. The tiny coffee maker has one serving of regular coffee, no decaf. We survive the first night and return from our day’s frolic at 10:30 and find that our room has not been serviced. A call to the desk is answered by a person who has a very limited knowledge of the English language and I eventually get him to say I can come to the office and get some coffee for the morning. I go pick it up and then realize the next morning that it is a large coffee bag for the big pots in the office. I fashion a filter from our meager supply of toilet paper and our coffee turns out successfully. Howard, old man, am I really expecting too much for eighty-five dollars a night?

Men Only

Survey for straight men only. WOMEN do NOT read any further please.

Give me a break. Todays news on every TV channel has a story about a female school teacher who has been having sex with young boys. These horny little studs are called “victims.!” Sure, she’s not the best looking babe I’ve ever seen, but I would like to know from the men in the congregation how many of you would have turned down an offer of any kind of sex from this chick when you were a teenager. ”Victims” my ass. Of course, since my epiphany, I understand that would be wrong.